On Expressing Your Desires

On your birthday or whenever.

A bunch of you signed up at a lower rate a year ago this time, so if your annual subscription is coming due, I’m lowering the rates to $50 for the next week.

If you’re in New Orleans, please join me at my paperback launch at Other Plans Gallery this Thursday, October 30. Details are here.

Also I’ll be interviewing Karen Russell about her new novel, The Antidote, (which is a finalist for the National Book Award!) at Tulane University on Monday, November 3. Details here.

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Hi friends.

Holy shit, I’m turning 54 this week.

I feel younger than this because I think the life of the artist is in part about transcending age. On the other hand, if you invite me to something that starts after 9 p.m. I will probably decline. (But I will heart all your photos the next day and tell you how gorgeous you looked and mean it.)

I’ve spent the past few days thinking about what I wanted for the next year of my life. And for the rest of my life, too, I guess, but I will settle for one year at a time. I have attempted writing this three times and each version wasn’t quite right but sometimes it is hard to find your way to expressing your true desires.

“Authenticity” is a word I felt like I lost a handle on a while back because it seemed as if it had been claimed in inauthentic ways. I watched it get used in branding of products and people as products, as a short-hand for an aesthetic or sometimes for a way of life. It sort of felt like the minute you called something “authentic” it just wasn’t anymore.

So let me apologize for the cliche but also we are running out of time here on this planet, and let’s grab whatever we can that helps us feel full of more possibilities. A good word is precious to me and I kept returning to “authenticity" as one that felt useful.

I think what I am seeking in my life is more authenticity than already exists, and I am interested to see how that translates across areas I find interesting and important. When I say “authenticity” I am thinking about genuineness, directness and honesty. And originality. I am also thinking about clarity, which I think is adjacent.

I want to be more open and communicative with the people in my life I care about and worry less about the people I don’t care about.

I want to be writing to a certain truth. I want my sentences and my language to feel human and simple, and I want my stories to be driven by a quest for understanding. But also I want to stay weird. Be weird. Whenever possible.

I want to be of service in the purest way. I want to tend to my community.

I want to be able to be there for people when I can, and in a way that makes the most sense for everyone involved.

I want to understand my feelings and opinions better and be less influenced by mass culture.

I want to get physically strong.

I’m seeking more depth and more understanding in general and more honest and loving relationships with people who are interested in the same. But also I am seeking the most perfect quiet in the world inside of me where I know who I am and I know the best way to express it. If I choose to express it. Because sometimes I want to just keep myself for myself.

Anyway, that’s what I’m thinking about as I turn this decidedly middle age. I still didn’t get what I wanted to say quite right, but let’s call it a work-in-progress. For the rest of my life, there will always be time for edits on myself.

Sending love,

Jami

You are reading Craft Talk, the home of #1000wordsofsummer and also a weekly newsletter about writing from Jami Attenberg. I’m also on bluesky and instagram.