The Big 8-0

A letter about one of my muses.

Hi friends.

I’m in Florida for my mother’s 80th birthday, which was yesterday. Joan is a wry, funny, politically aware, thoughtful human who is a good friend and who has led a life of service for her community. She is amazing at Scrabble and pickle ball and loyal to a fault. She truly always just wanted to be a good mom. Also, just for fun, let us all admire how well she has aged.

I posted this on instagram yesterday and people were wondering what her skincare regimen is, so let me stray from talking about writing for a second because I thought this was a fun question to answer. How does this 80-year-old broad look so good?

I am here to tell you this lady did nothing special that I can recall. She was a Clinique girlie from day 1, but perhaps lazily so. I always remember when I was growing up how those bonus gift bags she would get from buying a moisturizer sat largely untouched in the bathroom. I think maybe the first time she even had facial was just a few years ago. Certainly she never got any work done, which is extremely inspiring to me, and no shame to anyone who is getting any adjustments as it were, but also I really wish people would stop fucking around with their faces so much, this is my truth!!!

Wow, that felt good to type.

Anyway, if I had to guess if anything was her secret was she basically never drank that much her whole life, which I really admire, but is probably not gonna work for me. She looks great though, right?

It’s fun to think and write about my mother—do you have a favorite family member you’ve contemplated in your words before? I have written about her in essay form a few times over the years, and also in my memoir. My favorite (and perhaps the classic) Joan Attenberg story is this New York Times Magazine piece about the time she made me chicken soup.

In general, I love to write about mothers and daughters in part because I find my mother hilarious. Even though my mother is not any of my characters I have ever written in my novels I would still cite her as a fictional influence. Mothers and daughters driving around in cars together having sad but funny conversations while the world moves around them? Mothers and daughters eating their feelings together in some weird environment? Mothers and daughters both talking and not talking about what’s bothering them? I could do this endlessly.

But again, she’s not any of these mothers. I remember doing an event at my parents’ temple for All This Could Be Yours in 2019 and one audience member raising their hand and saying, “How could you come up with these characters when your parents are so nice?” Which of course is not exactly how it works but I will always take a compliment about my family.

I think for a long time I was trying to write books that I thought my mother might enjoy. She was a specific audience I had in my mind. I have evolved a bit from that person for no reason other that sometimes we evolve, but it always delights me when my mother reads my work and enjoys it.

I don’t think I have much more left to write in a fictional realm about the idea of family for the moment—I think I will leave that to my non-fiction writing, if anything—but I have enjoyed working through it, and always, still, forever, giving my mom something good to read.

Sending love,
Jami

You are reading Craft Talk, the home of #1000wordsofsummer and also a weekly newsletter about writing from Jami Attenberg. I’m also on bluesky and instagram.